Man Bag

Six years ago, I got in trouble at work for joking with a male co-worker on a public elevator about his leather messenger bag, which I admired. In fact, I'd asked him about it a few days before, and he'd replied, "That's my man bag."  When he and I were riding down the elevator I made a quip about liking his "man bag." I have no idea what else I said - maybe I asked him if it was heavy. There was another guy on the elevator with us, but that didn't seem significant.

I was called up to the board room the following day and faced by a grim army of accusers. The director, his secretary, the assistant director, the HR person, my manager and her assistant advised me that my co-worker had filed a formal complaint against me for sexual harassment, because I had referred to his "man bag." I was flabbergasted. What had I done wrong? Had I insulted his masculinity? Was he worried that the other guy on the elevator might think he was gay? I'd never heard the term until the co-worker had told it to me himself.

The meeting became very threatening and severe. My female boss and her assistant sat stone-faced. No one defended me. Finally, I had had enough. I spoke out and requested that the co-worker who had made the accusation be called into the meeting, so I could apologize to him personally, because surely it was a misunderstanding. I was amazed when they complied, and even more surprised when my co-worker accepted my humble apology for embarrassing him, and we were able to shake hands. That was the end of it. Of course, until the day he quit, I avoided him like leprosy.

This past weekend, my boyfriend and I went to WisCon, the feminist science fiction conference held yearly in Madison, Wisconsin, and the subject of sexual harassment came up in the opening ceremonies. Post-con, we were discussing the topic on Facebook chat and I remarked that in this litigious society, those types of accusations can go any number of ways. I then recounted my man-bag story. Imagine my shock when my boyfriend gently told me that "man bag" means "scrotum."

Imagine my surprise. I had absolutely no knowledge of that fact. I'd never heard the term used that way. Ever. I think I surprised him, too. I think there are a lot of things about which I am still naïve.

So. Let me see if I understand this. I'm thinking of the parties involved, that fateful day at work in 2008. We have my co-worker -- a very funny and educated man who was definitely not kinky. We have me - and at the time I was not dating anyone and was somewhat out of the loop. We have the library administration, whose backgrounds are unknown to me. We have the cultural disconnect that occurs when something might mean something entirely different to individuals in our diverse population. I don't remember the other guy on the elevator. Many questions come to mind:

--Did any of the people at work, including the owner of the man-bag, know of the double entendre?
--Did none of them know? Was the guy on the elevator the one who embarrassed my co-worker?
--Did all of them know - and did they assume I knew?
--Did it not occur to one the female admin people, if she indeed knew the sexual connotation, to take me aside and ask me if I realized what I'd said?
 --Or was my co-worker an asshole who wanted to get me in trouble?
Which leads to:
 --Did my co-worker know damned well that "man bag" meant "scrotum" right from the beginning--and did he assume I knew this, too? Because if this is the case, he was the one guilty of sexual harassment!

It upsets me to think that for six years there have been people at my former workplace who heard about me getting in trouble for talking to a male co-worker on the elevator about his genitalia. And I'll never know. Most of the people involved are gone from that workplace. I retired four years ago.

We googled "man bag" last night and found this link: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=MANbag - and this one: https://www.google.com/search?q=man+bag&safe=off&rlz=1T4GGNI_enUS550US552&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=ulCFU9uMOs-wyAS33IGoDw&ved=0CD4QsAQ&biw=1024&bih=420

I'm just shaking my head. I also learned that tea-bagging is a vulgar term - I invite anyone reading this to look it up. And I drank tea at work, and probably talked about my tea bags in the employees' lounge.

Thank heavens I wasn't disciplined in 2008. Thank heavens I was fortunate enough to retire in 2010 with a buyout. I am beginning to understand now why my hair fell out after I left that place. Years and years of pent-up stress can cause autoimmune disease. I'll add another thank heavens - my hair has grown back, just as naturally curly and just as ginger brown as it was before; in fact, it's longer.
Most of all, I am grateful to be gone from a place where freedom of speech was becoming extinct and staff members were routinely called out, written up and suspended without a shard of human coaching or decent consideration. We were cut no slack toward the end. I have to laugh now - they tried so hard to hang me, and they couldn't do it. They ended up paying me to leave.

Tea, anyone?

Something to think about

 

I talk about the fact that I am in recovery for alcoholism quite often on Facebook and in here. Many people feel that this is a violation of Tradition Eleven. But I do it because I am so grateful for my 8+ months of sobriety, and I'm glad to know I'm an alcoholic. AA works if you work it!

 

From drugfree.org:

Commentary: Does Anonymity Fit Into Recovery in the Social Media Era?         

The 11th Tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous states, “Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.”
How does anonymity fit into present day recovery in the era of social networks?
When I first came to recovery, my anonymity was critical to me. I was full of shame. Coming from a very prominent family, and not sure that I’d be able to maintain any continued success at abstinence, I wanted to keep my last name and any information about my background a secret. Today, with almost 29 years of recovery under my belt, I have no secrets. I’m no longer filled with shame about my past. I have done my best to put my past behind me, and I know that my story has helped many find themselves “in the rooms.” But what about that 11th Tradition and how does it fit into my recovery life today?
In the name of transparency and full disclosure, I should tell you that I’m one of the co-founders of InTheRooms.com, which is the largest and fastest growing social network for the global recovery community. We’ve been described as a “Facebook for Recovery.” Because we operate on the Internet, there are those that will always bring up this topic of anonymity and perceived tradition violations.
When Dr. Bob and Bill W. addressed the important issue of anonymity back in 1935, it was with the intent that NO ONE PERSON was to act as a role model for any particular fellowship. The reason for that is easy to understand. If that person relapsed then it said to others that that particular fellowship simply doesn’t work.
Additionally, back in the 30s there was a deep-seated societal stigma against addiction and alcoholism. It was viewed as more of a moral weakness, rather than a disease. Most of us now know someone in recovery today. They might be one of our neighbors, our co-workers, our doctors or our family members. The stigma is starting to fade LARGELY because we now know the efficacy of 12-step recovery because SOMEONE wasn’t totally anonymous!
Take a look at Facebook today and you’ll see many people discussing their sobriety in their status updates. They have their first AND last name there for all to see, but most importantly, they often mention the 12-step fellowship that they belong to. Isn’t that a clear violation of the 11th Tradition?
Faces and Voices, a Washington D.C.-based advocacy group has recently suggested that we no longer describe ourselves as “addicts” or “alcoholics,” but simply state that we are people in “long-term recovery” not mentioning the particular fellowship that we attend. To me, that bypasses the potential 11th Tradition pitfalls while still letting people know that we’re PROUD of our recovery.
Through the proliferation of online social networks, recovery is now accessible to everyone, regardless of where you live as long as there’s a computer and a connection to the Internet. Support is only a couple of clicks away even in the middle of the night! Is anonymity being compromised in order to help others in need? Shouldn’t it be if there’s a potential to shape or save lives? Should there be a change in the wording of the 11th Tradition?
Today, I’m a respectable, functioning member of society. I am married to a woman I met in recovery that now has over 25 years of long-term recovery. We have been married for 23 years and have two wonderful, well-adjusted children ages 20 and 22 years old whom have NEVER seen us pick up a drug or drink. My wife is a preschool teacher, and I am the Chief Operating Officer of InTheRooms.com. I have served as a coach for both soccer and little league, not to mention being an elected official in my local community. I would have given anything to know, while I was sitting there 29 years ago with a needle in my arm, that these things were all possible.
Today we have the potential to give “the gift of HOPE” to those that are still struggling with their addiction, but in order to do so, I believe that we must take a risk and break our own anonymity. I further believe that we need to do so responsibly, using similar guidelines presented by Faces and Voices. NOT doing so only helps to perpetuate the myth that alcoholics and addicts simply do not recover. We know today that the lie is dead, we DO recover!