Bold Goodbyes and Bolder Neon Post-it Notes

I resigned from my volunteer job today. It wasn't without a lot of thought. When I retired from Rockford Public Library in 2010, I couldn't let go, emotionally. So, I got involved with the Friends of the Library and began working in the used book shop three hours a week. Today, I decided that it was time to sever ties completely. As it was so eloquently put in the movie A League of Their Own, this used to be my playground. And it isn't now. (Interesting how the Rockford Peaches, portrayed in that movie whose cast included Madonna, were a women's professional baseball team who played from 1943 through 1954 in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. A founding member, the team represented Rockford, Illinois.( Wikipedia)

How do I feel? I feel free. I feel unsteady. I feel lost and wobbly. But I feel great relief. The cord has finally been severed. I can't describe how much it was killing me to go inside that building once a week and know I could no longer go behind the desk, or into the staff areas....I didn't know how wrenching it was until I read some old notes from 15 years ago, when I was first diagnosed with ADHD and refused to be medicated for it, and I had listed all the ways in which I'd struggled with the public desks and the problems I had with concentration and uneven service. In the book shop, some of those behaviors I loathed in myself were resurfacing. It culminated with a woman going off on me last week. I'm done now. Fini. I have officially removed the option for me to feel sad for three hours every Thursday afternoon.

And because when I feel sad, people around me feel sad, I go to therapy. I went this afternoon. This leads to my Big Neon Post-It conundrum. I walked out of my session today with my journal and two rolled-up, hot pink and very sticky pieces of paper with BIG magic-marker notes.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

 

 

Notice how BOLD they are. How BRIGHT.  How difficult to paste into my journal for reflection. How is this helpful? How can this possibly be discreet? (Posting it this blog has automatically made it indiscreet) How hopeful, that if I have all these suggestions glued into my blank book, I will become a better person.

 

I may also add that Wexford glue sticks suck. The only decent kind of glue stick is a brand called "UHU," which I cannot find in Rockford.



So, what has been accomplished today?

1. I identified and eliminated a source of stress. No more library volunteering gig. I'll find another place to donate my time where I can do so with a full heart and a giving spirit, rather than a membrane of residual yet throbbing pain.
2. I have agreed to try Adderall for my ADHD. If I don't like it, I can stop taking it. My call. I get to make those calls because guess what? I am an adult, retired from the working world and no longer reporting to a boss. These are supposed to be my golden years, and they will be.
3. I decided to tell my therapist to write her helpful notes for me on regular-sized Post-it notes from now on.
4. Beside the point, but I learned that if you go to Pet-Smart, you risk the chance of a giant dog taking a shit right where you were about to push your cart - and that if you go to any store and plan to use a credit card, you might want to make sure it hasn't expired. As I said, this is off-topic.
5. Having thought all this through, I went to amazon.com and ordered a pack of UHU glue sticks for 9.99. Because I wanted the free shipping, I ordered a mesh laundry bag and some Comet cleanser. And now, I am going to bed.

Goodbye, volunteer schtick. Goodbye, bad glue stick. Hello to yet another experiment with better living through chemicals. And now that I have written this magic madness out of my mind, I am going to make an attempt at serenity.