From my working days---ahh, the memories

REFERENCE DESK GRUNT

Questions/comments received/observed at the desk today:

Is this my library card number?
Do you work here? (I'm sitting at the desk with my library ID badge on)
What is my PIN number?
How do I get on the Internet?
I ain't never been here before. How do I do this?
Son of a bitch.
Stevie, I murdered several people in your family. (say whut?)
Can you extend my time?
(whispered to me, by co-worker, when I asked him if the maintenance guy, who just got fired, ever did strange things in the men's room): You mean, like jack off?
What is my library card number?
Do I have to sign in or something?
My computer froze.
Where is my PIN number?
Can you look up my PIN number?
I'm not using someone else's card. I'm sitting here doing something else.
Hi. Don't you have to check in? Come here, Ronald. RONALD! Come here!
Where can I go to change her diaper?
I am the former mayor of Decatur. I want to apply for a job at UPS. City employees owe it to the public to help them fill out forms.
Did they change the code? (staff person)
My computer froze.
I want to buy more time.
That page in Youth Services. She didn't wash her hands. (huh?)
Yeah, as soon as I'm done. (after I told him he couldn't use his cell phone in the library)
Screw you. I've been a guest for 12 weeks.
I am computer illiterate (waits for me to start laughing)
Can I get my suspension cut in half?
I want to use the Internet.
Where the magazines at?
Why isn't my print job coming out? (Because you are standing by the photocopy machine, not the shared network printer)
My relatives are waiting me to die so they can take my land. It is because of satanism.
Have a nice day.
Do you have the key to the baffroom?
I'm computer illiterate.
I want to put money on my card.
How do I print?
My computer froze.
What's my password?
Spoken by management: "Where is everybody today? Why is this periodicals directory so outdated?" Like I am supposed to know.
Excuse me, the printer, how does it work?

BREAK TIME.....

Yeah, but damn, I don't know what they're talking about anyway.
I can't work this microfish (sic) machine.
What time do you close?
I want to sign in as a guest.
Are you a Mormon?
Come on dude, do you have your purse?
My computer is all froze up.
The computer won't let me sign in.
How do I get on the internet? I'm computer illiterate.
I don't got no liberry card.
---and, spoken by my fucking boss, when I told her I liked her French braid:
"Please don't obsess about my hair."